he wants to fit in…
Topical and very thoughtful, we thank Danielle Moles very much for her excellent offering to the blog and competition. Danielle is currently studying at the University of Lincoln and hopes one day to pursue a professional career as a writer. In her spare time she enjoys creating poetry and is clearly very passionate about the arts. We appreciate you sharing your talents with us Danielle.
He Grows
Zero
the start of his life
was a rough one. Severely
asthmatic, two holes in the attic
of his heart not lessening
the love he had to give
showcased,
but nowhere to place it
parents gone
no place to belong.
nevertheless, he grew.
–
Four months later
he met two foster carers,
a premature child
wrapped his hands around
the woman’s thumb – mum
looking up, wide eyed,
into the face of a new home
he lay, a lifespan
in the palm of the man’s hand
he would never be alone.
–
The parents wanted him to stay, prayed,
couldn’t part with the new addition
to their family.
–
Problems – though not their own – arose
he was not their blood and bone,
but chosen
they were a family of white,
the young boy was not
was falsely written that
he would not fit in – but he already had.
they loved him as their own,
the children loved him too
he grew.
–
He became part of a family at four
the title of son he wore
adopted
the picture complete
the fleet; whole and content
what could be overcome,
was. Together.
–
Brown –
he thinks, down
he feels disparate, separate
due to words of the past
that never last
due to binary opposites
that society imposed to segregate
due to hate
many years before him.
he was loved
more loved here than anywhere else
he is loved still.
–
Six
he questioned his existence
a hundred times more
he wondered
why?
–
How
could parents abandon children
his mother told him
parents are not those who bear you
but are those who raise you,
they put plasters on the grazes,
rip plasters from the feelings
that aren’t healing,
and comfort
she comforts him.
–
He fears abandonment,
once more, tears up
he is afraid
she tells him she will be there
always
or at least, for many more days
he makes her promise
to live until she is one hundred.
he grows.
–
Ten
is when
he had already wanted to be
a footballer,
a singer,
a dancer,
healthy,
happy,
loved.
he is all of these things.
–
Eleven
he was angry
at how small he was,
at all his friends, family,
teachers, at the system.
he was angry
at no one but himself.
–
He was fidgeting
he did not listen
the teacher asked him if he is stupid,
preached to him about the future
he left
he hid under tables
disguised his flight as strides
and ran from authority
shouted at his mother
and doubted himself
no one understands.
He was diagnosed with ADHD.
–
He gets angry
when you mention it
–
he tries to grow
he is a tough kid
but he cries
after the show.
–
He is cruel
his sister walks him to school
he pushes her into the road –
i hope you die – he lies
he yells
his parents are patient
but he is persistent as well –
i wish you never adopted me
you hate me
i hate you.
familiar records repeat
an hour later he makes amends.
he is cruel
to defend himself.
–
He is afraid
of losing them
he is afraid
they will leave him
after all he puts them through.
he grew.
–
Twelve
he hangs around
with the wrong crowd
street corners, music, loud
these boys play with knives,
bb guns, and cigarette butts
they play with their lives
he wants to fit in.
–
He is frustrated
the schools, comprehensive
cannot comprehend
so just apprehend
behaviour that offends them.
–
He goes home angry, again,
he shuts his door
and cries
why
he cannot understand
he puts his fists to the punching bag
then the walls, then the white flag –
then nothing at all
he sprays aerosol until his breath is lost
he curls into a ball and suffocates
on the pressure rolling him thin
he is lost.
He catches his breath.
–
Thirteen
he experiences death
for the first time,
–
mature and yet naïve,
waits each night for the
dead to rise again
maybe she will surprise us when
he thinks
nothing is forever
not even death.
–
Frustrated
he cries to his mother
he said he hated
and she holds him tight
to calm him
knowing
he never meant it
and never will
he knew too
he grew.
–
He sits on his sister’s bed
slurring a story
one she’s heard before
he stirs
but she listens;
he’s hurting
he asks to be cuddled
and falls asleep
she keeps watching
his tiny back move
deep under the quilt
worried, then
he is a baby again
she watches
shallow breaths
oxygen deprived
minimal movement
but, alive.
unsleeping, her eyes follow
for a cover drop
fearing that it will one day
stop.
–
But he is a fighter
he is aerosol to a lighter
the craters in the heart concave
to a slight
the pain inside eases
more each night
he will continue to fight.
–
He is still obsessed with comparison
colours, size, origins,
learning difficulties and medical conditions
one broken bone,
two interior punctures,
two inhalers,
four surgeries,
five sets of medications,
eleven major asthma attacks,
fifteen injections,
twenty sprains and muscles pulled,
twenty-five blood tests,
thirty sessions, counselling or other,
countless concussions,
and a dozen other various pain sources later –
He is growing.
Danielle Moles, University of Lincoln
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